Don't cry. It will grow.

I wonder where doubt ranks on the scale of things that are destructive in my life. It seems to creep into places that allow it to do real damage to me and to others around me. Self doubt also has a way of making others appear to be more capable than they are. Probably because I want them to be more capable than me so that I can rely on them for whatever I need to be done that I am doubting that I can do myself. Then of course the responsibility for any possible failure is theirs, not mine. It seems irrelevant that the success will also be theirs. I guess because I assume they will be better than me. Hence the self doubt. But most time taking responsibility and trying, even to fall short, is better in the long run than the path of self doubt and non action.

Sadly I experienced a situation were my self doubt broke my son's heart this week. I have never in all of his nine years seen him so crushed. I think it bruised his young soul. I know that it has forever changed me. And the way that I view my son. Even how i think he thinks of me. I have already prayed on numerous occassions that God will use this experience to benefit my son and me and really our entire family even in a small way. Thankfully I have already seen some benefits from what he called, with all the seriousness he could muster through all the ugly tears, the worse day of his young life.
I have had many of these kind of days in my life. Turning points or key moments that have shaped me forever. I am experiencing some of them now with my poor health and loss related to it. Seems that I remember everything about those moments. Little details like the clothes, what I ate, what happened before the moment, and of course all of the emotions. I knew instantly that my son was having one of these moments by the way he was describing in a somber tearful tone, every detail that was going to trigger memories of his turning point day.
One thing this has taught me already is that things which may not seem important to me ARE VERY IMPORTANT to the person who deeply cares about it. And that the only way for me to empathize with another's heart break is to remember a time that has bruised my soul or broken my heart. And remember my pain. And most importantly for me to remember how everyone around me said things like "It will be okay" "with time it will be better" "you still have X and Y to look forward to". "look at how great your life is in these other areas-you should feel so blessed" Whatever they said to me that was an attempt to divert me from the overwhelming feeling of loss I was experiencing showed me that they had forgotten how their own "worst day ever". I learned from my son that sometimes the most comforting thing that I can do for someone who is having their "worst day ever" is to cry with them. Not because I agree that whatever happened to them qualifies on my scale as a "worst day ever". But because I can remember a lot of my own "worst day ever" moments and how alone I felt trying to convince the people around me of the intense pain I was feeling.
My wise 9 year old son reminded me that even with all my "mom greatness" I would not be able to fix his pain. That the best thing I could do for him was to sit and cry. Really cry. Those ugly tears. The ones that need to be cried on a "worst day ever". I truly feel that our ugly tears brought us together that day. Ugly tears are not sad tears like when i watch a sad movie or get hurt. Or my feelings or hurt or I am mad at someone. Most tears are meant for others to see. But ugly tears I cry even and especially when no one else is around. Ugly tears come from some place really deep. I think they should be black colored. Or red. Events that produce Ugly tears change me and my outlook on life. They change the way I experience my life from that day on. I don't cry ugly tears in a pretty fashion. They seem to contort my entire body. Face. Nose. Eyes. It is messy. Ugly tears led me to pray. Even if I haven't been close to God for awhile. The pain is so intense that it makes me call out to god because no one else on earth can do anything about dark moments that create ugly tears. So I guess ugly tears = god tears.

So my son sat with his Mom and Dad and we all cried ugly tears together. He was experiencing his first "worst day ever" and his father and I were remembering some of our "worst day ever" moments. Even adding this one to our list of "worst day Evers" because it was our childs "worst day ever". God had answered our prayer to use this bad day for good. God allowed us to connect with our son and cry with him not just for him. It relieved some of the empty feeling. And disconnectedness that we all had been through earlier. Earlier when we had been telling him "its not that big of a deal" "you will get over it" "look at all the great things you have to be happy about and you are still sad about this". Earlier when we couldn't recognize that "worst day ever" for a 9 year old little butterfly start off with smaller things in life... Like a mom who doesn't feel confident enough to do another long-hair "trim" which led to an unplanned very drastic haircut at a salon that left him, 4 inches later, barely recognizable as himself. Earlier when we said "Don't cry. It will grow."
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

A God Wink

I am a firm believer that the Holy Spirit and God along with our angels still send us messages if we keep our eyes and ears open for them. Most of the time for me its God's small things that mean the most to me. Moments when I am having a rough time and my favorite song keeps coming on the radio. Or just when I need it, someone I haven't talked to in years sends me an email or another let's me know how helpful I was to them out of the blue. Its like a light at the end of the tunnel when I am struggling. Or Its like the icing on the cake or The perfect touch that makes what would be a special moment seem more like a small miracle. Like God is really noticing what is going on even though He might not be radically changing the situation for me. He is still there. A God wink!
I had a God wink today. I had sent flowers to my mom to thank her for all that she has been doing to help me, my family and my consultants. I simply ordered a spring bouquet with no other details. She called to thank me. And said "they are just beautiful and the blue butterfly made me cry!" "Blue buttefly" I questioned. "I didn't ask for a blue butterfly to be put on it. You are kidding!" Sure enough. When the picture arrived, there was my first Blue Butterfly from God sitting right above the bow.
In that moment it made me feel like He was saying "hang in there girl." And then to remove all doubt... Amazingly right after that thought, the music which had just been playing in the background suddenly became very clear. And the song, demanding to be heard, blares out in the living room "God knows how much this hurts but this is gonna make you stronger. Its not gonna last forever. Please believe me."
God was making sure I caught His blue butterfly wink. Right back at ya big guy!

Careful for those potholes!

Getting ready to start month six.  I really believe that part of what is making this "episode" such a struggle has to do with how much it limits my ability to distract myself with activities, people, food, etc. 

My body physically is so weak that taking a shower or making the bed can cause me to get lightheaded, nauseated and very drained.  So the common every day distractions like going to the grocery store or bank, taking the kids to dance, attending church and socializing with friends or family are things that I really can't do - unless I want to have a full-on attack that day.  Because to do all those things, I must put in so much time on the front end to get ready that I am toast before I even walk out the door!  I am so excited for SPRING and some warmer weather.  I am amazed at the difference in my physical symptoms when it is cold or rainy.  Weatherman bring on the High Pressure System!  I love seeing that big "H" on the weather map!

I have always been introverted so going out or chatting on the phone has never been high on my list.  But I am realizing with this episode, that I have made more heart connections with people in my life than ever before.  But the emotions of the situation are so overwhelming most of the time because of all the loss that I am experiencing, I have trouble talking with anyone.  I know it is painful to watch me be so drained, sick, sad, etc.  I don't have the energy to pretend that I feel good, that I am happy for any measurable amount of time.  This is depressing, it's hard.  I am not giving up, but that doesn't change the fact that it has been and still is a brutal struggle every day.  And every day I am reminded of the fact that I am having to reinvent myself to be able to live under these new conditions.  So socializing is a bit difficult when most of the time I am either a zombie from the physical effects or just too angry and depressed to talk to anyone.  Writing has always been an outlet for me during my struggles, so I am hopeful that the blog lets me process my thoughts and gives my family and friends a way to stay a bit more connected to me without all the awkwardness on both sides.  Chronic illness is brutal for everyone involved no matter how you slice it.

Since this is also food related, my favorite comfort foods are gone too!  Sensitivities to milk, corn, chocolate (caffeine), wheat, soy, potato, sugar, oranges, tomatoes, just to name a few - make it nearly impossible to eat out or have an kind of FUN FOOD!  I pray every day for the alternative food industry to keep coming up with delicious things like So-Delicious Dairy-Free Coconut Milk Ice Cream and Ice Cream Sandwiches!  Can't forget my basic food group of Arico Cassava Chips.  I can put away a bag of those chips like nobody's business.  My husband has experienced too many days of Cassava Chip Meltdowns and Out-of-town Emergency Chip Purchases which seem to be as well orchestrated as some Black Ops missions performed by Navy Seals.  So now we have several CASES in the garage!  He's no dummy!

I am like an expensive Limited Edition Red Ferrari Sports Car - high maintenance, has to have a special kind of oil, engine starts only on sunny days, parts are expensive and it takes forever to get it back from the shop when something breaks.  But when in good condition and well-maintained, what a fun ride!  But be careful for those potholes!

Sleeping, Tried Again or should I say Tired Again

I laid down at gave it the "old college try" as my husband would say.  Twitched for a few hours, but then I did get a few winks, maybe 2 hours or so, before my arms started going numb and waking me up.  I've noticed that it is very difficult to find a cozy sleeping position that doesn't have my arms touching the bed or my body.  Because when the numbness starts, my arms have to be held somewhat away from my body (and not touch anthing else) to keep the feeling in them.  But even then, I have a residual tingling on the underside of my arm all the way up.  Anyway, doesn't make for the best sleeping.  So I am up after just 2 hours of sleep, still tired, but losing my mind laying there and fighting the octopus feeling as my arms flop around.  Gonna play on the blog for awhile - my new found toy that will hopefully distract me from the pit of despair that I am currently residing in.

My first day

I am not even sure why I am going to start writing this blog. But I know if I don't I might go more crazy than I already am.