Getting ready to start month six. I really believe that part of what is making this "episode" such a struggle has to do with how much it limits my ability to distract myself with activities, people, food, etc.
My body physically is so weak that taking a shower or making the bed can cause me to get lightheaded, nauseated and very drained. So the common every day distractions like going to the grocery store or bank, taking the kids to dance, attending church and socializing with friends or family are things that I really can't do - unless I want to have a full-on attack that day. Because to do all those things, I must put in so much time on the front end to get ready that I am toast before I even walk out the door! I am so excited for SPRING and some warmer weather. I am amazed at the difference in my physical symptoms when it is cold or rainy. Weatherman bring on the High Pressure System! I love seeing that big "H" on the weather map!
I have always been introverted so going out or chatting on the phone has never been high on my list. But I am realizing with this episode, that I have made more heart connections with people in my life than ever before. But the emotions of the situation are so overwhelming most of the time because of all the loss that I am experiencing, I have trouble talking with anyone. I know it is painful to watch me be so drained, sick, sad, etc. I don't have the energy to pretend that I feel good, that I am happy for any measurable amount of time. This is depressing, it's hard. I am not giving up, but that doesn't change the fact that it has been and still is a brutal struggle every day. And every day I am reminded of the fact that I am having to reinvent myself to be able to live under these new conditions. So socializing is a bit difficult when most of the time I am either a zombie from the physical effects or just too angry and depressed to talk to anyone. Writing has always been an outlet for me during my struggles, so I am hopeful that the blog lets me process my thoughts and gives my family and friends a way to stay a bit more connected to me without all the awkwardness on both sides. Chronic illness is brutal for everyone involved no matter how you slice it.
Since this is also food related, my favorite comfort foods are gone too! Sensitivities to milk, corn, chocolate (caffeine), wheat, soy, potato, sugar, oranges, tomatoes, just to name a few - make it nearly impossible to eat out or have an kind of FUN FOOD! I pray every day for the alternative food industry to keep coming up with delicious things like So-Delicious Dairy-Free Coconut Milk Ice Cream and Ice Cream Sandwiches! Can't forget my basic food group of Arico Cassava Chips. I can put away a bag of those chips like nobody's business. My husband has experienced too many days of Cassava Chip Meltdowns and Out-of-town Emergency Chip Purchases which seem to be as well orchestrated as some Black Ops missions performed by Navy Seals. So now we have several CASES in the garage! He's no dummy!
I am like an expensive Limited Edition Red Ferrari Sports Car - high maintenance, has to have a special kind of oil, engine starts only on sunny days, parts are expensive and it takes forever to get it back from the shop when something breaks. But when in good condition and well-maintained, what a fun ride! But be careful for those potholes!
