Don't cry. It will grow.

I wonder where doubt ranks on the scale of things that are destructive in my life. It seems to creep into places that allow it to do real damage to me and to others around me. Self doubt also has a way of making others appear to be more capable than they are. Probably because I want them to be more capable than me so that I can rely on them for whatever I need to be done that I am doubting that I can do myself. Then of course the responsibility for any possible failure is theirs, not mine. It seems irrelevant that the success will also be theirs. I guess because I assume they will be better than me. Hence the self doubt. But most time taking responsibility and trying, even to fall short, is better in the long run than the path of self doubt and non action.

Sadly I experienced a situation were my self doubt broke my son's heart this week. I have never in all of his nine years seen him so crushed. I think it bruised his young soul. I know that it has forever changed me. And the way that I view my son. Even how i think he thinks of me. I have already prayed on numerous occassions that God will use this experience to benefit my son and me and really our entire family even in a small way. Thankfully I have already seen some benefits from what he called, with all the seriousness he could muster through all the ugly tears, the worse day of his young life.
I have had many of these kind of days in my life. Turning points or key moments that have shaped me forever. I am experiencing some of them now with my poor health and loss related to it. Seems that I remember everything about those moments. Little details like the clothes, what I ate, what happened before the moment, and of course all of the emotions. I knew instantly that my son was having one of these moments by the way he was describing in a somber tearful tone, every detail that was going to trigger memories of his turning point day.
One thing this has taught me already is that things which may not seem important to me ARE VERY IMPORTANT to the person who deeply cares about it. And that the only way for me to empathize with another's heart break is to remember a time that has bruised my soul or broken my heart. And remember my pain. And most importantly for me to remember how everyone around me said things like "It will be okay" "with time it will be better" "you still have X and Y to look forward to". "look at how great your life is in these other areas-you should feel so blessed" Whatever they said to me that was an attempt to divert me from the overwhelming feeling of loss I was experiencing showed me that they had forgotten how their own "worst day ever". I learned from my son that sometimes the most comforting thing that I can do for someone who is having their "worst day ever" is to cry with them. Not because I agree that whatever happened to them qualifies on my scale as a "worst day ever". But because I can remember a lot of my own "worst day ever" moments and how alone I felt trying to convince the people around me of the intense pain I was feeling.
My wise 9 year old son reminded me that even with all my "mom greatness" I would not be able to fix his pain. That the best thing I could do for him was to sit and cry. Really cry. Those ugly tears. The ones that need to be cried on a "worst day ever". I truly feel that our ugly tears brought us together that day. Ugly tears are not sad tears like when i watch a sad movie or get hurt. Or my feelings or hurt or I am mad at someone. Most tears are meant for others to see. But ugly tears I cry even and especially when no one else is around. Ugly tears come from some place really deep. I think they should be black colored. Or red. Events that produce Ugly tears change me and my outlook on life. They change the way I experience my life from that day on. I don't cry ugly tears in a pretty fashion. They seem to contort my entire body. Face. Nose. Eyes. It is messy. Ugly tears led me to pray. Even if I haven't been close to God for awhile. The pain is so intense that it makes me call out to god because no one else on earth can do anything about dark moments that create ugly tears. So I guess ugly tears = god tears.

So my son sat with his Mom and Dad and we all cried ugly tears together. He was experiencing his first "worst day ever" and his father and I were remembering some of our "worst day ever" moments. Even adding this one to our list of "worst day Evers" because it was our childs "worst day ever". God had answered our prayer to use this bad day for good. God allowed us to connect with our son and cry with him not just for him. It relieved some of the empty feeling. And disconnectedness that we all had been through earlier. Earlier when we had been telling him "its not that big of a deal" "you will get over it" "look at all the great things you have to be happy about and you are still sad about this". Earlier when we couldn't recognize that "worst day ever" for a 9 year old little butterfly start off with smaller things in life... Like a mom who doesn't feel confident enough to do another long-hair "trim" which led to an unplanned very drastic haircut at a salon that left him, 4 inches later, barely recognizable as himself. Earlier when we said "Don't cry. It will grow."
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